SCENE IV. [The same. ]


Face. O, sir, you are welcome.

The doctor is within a moving for you;

I have had the most ado to win him to it!—

He swears you'll be the darling o' the dice:

He never heard her highness dote till now.〖Folio adds (he says).〗

Your aunt has giv'n you the most gracious words

That can be thought on.

Dap. Shall I see her grace?

Face. See her, and kiss her too.—

[Enter ABEL, followed by KASTRIL]

What, honest Nab!

Hast brought the damask?

Nab. No, sir; here's tobacco.

Face. 'Tis well done, Nab; thou'lt bring the damask too?

Drug. Yes. Here's the gentleman, captain, Master Kastril,

I have brought to see the doctor.

Face. Where's the widow?

Drug. Sir, as he likes, his sister, he says, shall come.

Face. O, is it so? Good time. Is your name Kastril, sir?

Kas. Ay, and the best of the Kastrils, I'd be sorry else,

By fifteen hundred a year.〖I. e., he is £1,500 a year richer than any other of the Kastrils.〗 Where is this doctor?

My mad tobacco-boy here tells me of one

That can do things. Has he any skill?

Face. Wherein, sir?

Kas. To carry a business, manage a quarrel fairly,

Upon fit terms.

Face. It seems, sir, you're but young

About the town, that can make that a question.

Kas. Sir, not so young but I have heard some speech

Of the angry boys,〖Roysterers, young bloods.〗 and seen 'em take tobacco;

And in his shop; and I can take it too.

And I would fain be one of 'em, and go down

And practice i' the country.

Face. Sir, for the duello,

The doctor, I assure you, shall inform you,

To the least shadow of a hair; and show you

An instrument he has of his own making,

Wherewith, no sooner shall you make report

Of any quarrel, but he will take the height on't

Most instantly, and tell in what degree

Of safety it lies, in or mortality.

And how it may be borne, whether in a right line,

Or a half circle; or may else be cast

Into an angle blunt, if not acute:

And this he will demonstrate. And then, rules

To give and take the lie by.

Kas. How! to take it?

Face. Yes, in oblique he'll show you, or in circle;〖The lie circumstantial.〗

But never in diameter.〖The lie direct.〗 The whole town

Study his theorems, and dispute them ordinarily

At the eating academies.

Kas. But does he teach

Living by the wits too?

Face. Anything whatever.

You cannot think that subtlety but he reads it.

He made me a captain. I was a stark pimp,

Just o' your standing, 'fore I met with him;

It's not two months since. I'll tell you his method:

First, he will enter you at some ordinary.

Kas. No, I'll not come there: you shall pardon me.

Face. For why, sir?

Kas. There's gaming there, and tricks.

Face. Why, would you be

A gallant, and not game?

Kas. Ay, 'twill spend a man.

Face. Spend you! It will repair you when you are spent.

How do they live by their wits there, that have vented

Six times your fortunes?

Kas. What, three thousand a year!

Face. Ay, forty thousand.

Kas. Are there such?

Face. Ay, sir,

And gallants yet. Here's a young gentleman

Is born to nothing,—[Points to DAPPER.] forty marks a year

Which I count nothing:—he is to be initiated,

And have a fly o' the doctor. He will win you

By unresistible luck, within this fortnight,

Enough to buy a barony. They will set him

Upmost, at the groom porter's,〖An officer of the royal household, having charge of the cards, dice, etc. He had the privilege of keeping open table at Christmas.〗 all the Christmas:

And for the whole year through at every place

Where there is play, present him with the chair,

The best attendance, the best drink, sometimes

Two glasses of Canary, and pay nothing;

The purest linen and the sharpest knife,

The partridge next his trencher: and somewhere

The dainty bed, in private, with the dainty.

You shall ha' your ordinaries bid for him,

As playhouses for a poet; and the master

Pray him aloud to name what dish he affects,

Which must be butter'd shrimps: and those that drink

To no mouth else, will drink to his, as being

The goodly president mouth of all the board.

Kas. Do you not gull one?

Face. 'Ods my life! Do you think it?

You shall have a cast commander, (can but get

In credit with a glover, or a spurrier,

For some two pair of either's ware aforehand,)

Will, by most swift posts, dealing [but] with him,

Arrive at competent means to keep himself,

His punk, and naked boy, in excellent fashion,

And be admir'd for't.

Kas. Will the doctor teach this?

Face. He will do more, sir: when your land is gone,

(As men of spirit hate to keep earth long),

In a vacation,〖Of the law-courts.〗 when small money is stirring,

And ordinaries suspended till the term,

He'll show a perspective,〖A magic glass.〗 where on one side

You shall behold the faces and the persons

Of all sufficient young heirs in town,

Whose bonds are current for commodity;〖The reference is to the “commodity” fraud, in which a borrower was obliged to take part of a loan in merchandise, which the lender frequently bought back by agents for much less than it represented in the loan.〗

On th' other side, the merchants' forms, and others,

That without help of any second broker,

Who would expect a share, will trust such parcels:

In the third square, the very street and sign

Where the commodity dwells, and does but wait

To be deliver'd, be it pepper, soap,

Hops, or tobacco, oatmeal, woad,〖A plant used for a dye.〗 or cheeses.

All which you may so handle, to enjoy

To your own use, and never stand oblig'd.

Kas. I' faith! is he such a fellow?

Face. Why, Nab here knows him.

And then for making matches for rich widows,

Young gentlewomen, heirs, the fortunat'st man!

He's sent to, far and near, all over England,

To have his counsel, and to know their fortunes.

Kas. God's will, my suster shall see him.

Face. I'll tell you, sir,

What he did tell me of Nab. It's a strange thing—

(By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab, it breeds melancholy,

And that same melancholy breeds worms) but pass it:—

He told me, honest Nab here was ne'er at tavern

But once in's life.

Drug. Truth, and no more I was not.

Face. And then he was so sick——

Drug. Could he tell you that too?

Face. How should I know it?

Drug. In troth, we had been a shooting,

And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper,

That lay so heavy o' my stomach——

Face. And he has no head

To bear any wine; for what with the noise o' the fiddlers,

And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants——

Drug. My head did so ache——

Face. And he was fain to be brought home,

The doctor told me: and then a good old woman——

Drug. Yes, faith, she dwells in Seacol-lane,—did cure me,

With sodden ale, and pellitory〖A herb.〗 o' the wall;

Cost me but twopence. I had another sickness

Was worse than that.

Face. Ay, that was with the grief

Thou took'st for being cess'd〖Assessed, taxed.〗 at eighteenpence,

For the waterwork.

Drug. In truth, and it was like

T' have cost me almost my life.

Face. Thy hair went off?

Drug. Yes, sir; 'twas done for spite.

Face. Nay, so says the doctor.

Kas. Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my suster;

I'll see this learned boy before I go;

And so shall she.

Face. Sir, he is busy now:

But if you have a sister to fetch hither,

Perhaps your own pains may command her sooner;

And he by that time will be free.

Kas. I go. [Exit.]

Face. Drugger, she's thine: the damask!—[Exit ABEL.] Subtle and I Must wrastle for her. [Aside.] Come on, Master


You see how I turn clients here away,

To give your cause dispatch; ha' you perform'd

The ceremonies were enjoin'd you?

Dap. Yes, o' the vinegar,

And the clean shirt.

Face. 'Tis well: that shirt may do you

More worship than you think. Your aunt's a-fire,

But that she will not show it, t' have a sight of you.

Ha' you provided for her grace's servants?

Dap. Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.

Face. Good!

Dap. And an old Harry's sovereign.

Face. Very good!

Dap. And three James shillings, and an Elizabeth groat,

Just twenty nobles.〖A noble was worth 6sh. 8d.〗

Face. O, you are too just.

I would you had had the other noble in Maries.

Dap. I have some Philip and Maries.

Face. Ay, those same

Are best of all: where are they? Hark, the doctor.

All Directories