SCENE I. [A room in Lovewit's house. ]

[Enter] FACE [in a captain's uniform, with his sword drawn, and]SUBTLE [with a vial, quarrelling, and followed by] DOL COMMON


BELIEVE 't, I will.

Sub. Thy worst.

Dol. Have you your wits? why, gentlemen! for love——

Face. Sirrah, I'll strip you——

Sub. What to do?

Face. Rogue, rogue!—out of all your sleights.〖Drop your tricks.〗

Dol. Nay, look ye, sovereign, general, are you madmen?

Sub. O, let the wild sheep loose. I'll gum your silks

With good strong water, an you come.

Dol. Will you have

The neighbours hear you? Will you betray all?

Hark! I hear somebody.

Face. Sirrah——

Sub. I shall mar

All that the tailor has made if you approach.

Face. You most notorious whelp, you insolent slave,

Dare you do this?

Sub. Yes, faith; yes, faith.

Face. Why, who

Am I, my mongrel, who am I?

Sub. I'll tell you.,

Since you know not yourself.

Face. Speak lower, rogue.

Sub. Yes, you were once (time's not long past) the good,

Honest, plain, livery-three-pound-thrum,〖Poorly paid servant.〗 that kept

Your master's worship's house here in the Friars,〖The precinct of Blackfriars.〗

For the vacations——

Face. Will you be so loud?

Sub. Since, by my means, translated suburb-captain.

Face. By your means, doctor dog!

Sub. Within man's memory,

All this I speak of.

Face. Why, I pray you, have I

Been countenanc'd by you, or you by me?

Do but collect, sir, where I met you first.

Sub. I do not hear well.

Face. Not of this, I think it.

But I shall put you in mind, sir;—at Pie-corner,

Taking your meal of steam in, from cooks' stalls,

Where, like the father of hunger, you did walk

Piteously costive, with your pinch'd-horn-nose,

And your complexion of the Roman wash,〖I. e., sallow.〗

Stuck full of black and melancholic worms,

Like powder-corns〖Grains of powder.〗 shot at the artillery-yard.

Sub. I wish you could advance your voice a little.

Face. When you went pinn'd up in the several rags;

You had rak'd and pick'd from dunghills, before day;

Your feet in mouldy slippers, for your kibes;〖Chilblains.〗

A felt of rug,〖A hat of coarse material.〗 and a thin threaden cloak,

That scarce would cover your no-buttocks——

Sub. So, sir!

Face. When all your alchemy, and your algebra,

Your minerals, vegetals, and animals,

Your conjuring, coz'ning;〖Swindling.〗 and your dozen of trades,

Could not relieve your corpse with so much linen

Would make you tinder, but to see a fire;

I ga' you count'nance, credit for your coals,

Your stills, your glasses, your materials;

Built you a furnace, drew you customers,

Advanc'd all your black arts; lent you, beside,

A house to practise in——

Sub. Your master's house!

Face. Where you have studied the more thriving skill

Of bawdry since.

Sub. Yes, in your master's house.

You and the rats here kept possession.

Make it not strange.〖Don't pretend to forget.〗 I know you were one could keep

The buttery-hatch still lock'd, and save the chippings,

Sell the dole beer to aqua-vitae men,〖Sell the beer intended for the poor to liquor-dealers.〗

The which, together with your Christmas vails〖Tips.〗

At post-and-pair,〖A game of cards.〗 your letting out of counters,〖I. e., to the card-players.〗

Made you a pretty stock, some twenty marks,

And gave you credit to converse with cobwebs,

Here, since your mistress' death hath broke up house.

Face. You might talk softlier, rascal.

Sub. No, you scarab,

I'll thunder you in pieces: I will teach you

How to beware to tempt a Fury again

That carries tempest in his hand and voice.

Face. The place has made you valiant.

Sub. No, your clothes.

Thou vermin, have I ta'en thee out of dung,

So poor, so wretched, when no living thing

Would keep thee company, but a spider or worse?

Rais'd thee from brooms, and dust, and wat'ring-pots,

Sublim'd thee, and exalted thee, and fix'd thee

In the third region,〖Technical jargon of alchemy.〗 call'd our state of grace?

Wrought thee to spirit, to quintessence, with pains

Would twice have won me the philosopher's work?

Put thee in words and fashion, made thee fit

For more than ordinary fellowships?

Giv'n thee thy oaths, thy quarelling dimensions,

Thy rules to cheat, at horse-race, cock-pit, cards,

Dice, or whatever gallant tincture〖Accomplishment.〗 else?

Made thee a second in mine own great art?

And have I this for thanks! Do you rebel?

Do you fly out i' the projection?〖At the moment when success is near.〗

Would you be gone now?

Dol. Gentlemen, what mean you?

Will you mar all?

Sub. Slave, thou hadst had no name——

Dol. Will you undo yourselves with civil war?

Sub. Never been known, past equi clibanum,

The heat of horse-dung, under ground, in cellars,

Or an ale-house darker than deaf John's; been lost

To all mankind, but laundresses and tapsters,

Had not I been.

Dol. Do you know who hears you, sovereign?

Face. Sirrah——

Dol. Nay, general, I thought you were civil.

Face. I shall turn desperate, if you grow thus loud.

Sub. And hang thyself, I care not.

Face. Hang thee, collier,

And all thy pots and pans, in picture, I will,

Since thou hast mov'd me——

Dol. [Aside] O, this'll o'erthrow all.

Face. Write thee up bawd in Paul's, have all thy tricks

Of coz'ning with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings,

Searching for things lost, with a sieve and shears,

Erecting figures in your rows of houses,〖Astrological tricks.〗

And taking in of shadows with a glass,

Told in red letters; and a face cut for thee,

Worse than Gamaliel Ratsey's.〖A notorious highwayman.〗

Dol. Are you sound?

Ha' you your senses, masters?

Face. I will have

A book, but barely reckoning thy impostures,

Shall prove a true philosopher's stone to printers.

Sub. Away, you trencher-rascal!

Face.Out, you dog-leech!

The vomit of all prisons——

Dol.Will you be

Your own destructions, gentlemen?

Face.Still spew'd out

For lying too heavy on the basket.〖Eating more than his share of rations.〗

Sub. Cheater!

Face. Bawd!

Sub. Cow-herd!

Face. Conjurer!

Sub. Cutpurse!

Face. Witch!

Dol. O me!

We are ruin'd, lost! Ha' you no more regard

To your reputations? Where's your judgment? 'Slight,

Have yet some care of me, o' your republic——

Face. Away, this brach!〖Bitch.〗 I'll bring thee, rogue, within

The statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio

Of Harry the Eighth:〖33 Henry VIII, the first act against witchcraft in England.〗 ay, and perhaps thy neck

Within a noose, for laund'ring gold and barbing it.〖“Sweating” and clipping the coinage.〗

Dol. You'll bring your head within a cockscomb,〖Halter.〗 will you? She catcheth out FACE his sword, and breaks SUBTLE'S glass.

And you, sir, with your menstrue!〖A liquid which dissolves solids.〗—Gather it up.

'Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards,

Leave off your barking, and grow one again,

Or, by the light that shines, I'll cut your throats.

I'll not be made a prey unto the marshal

For ne'er a snarling dog-bolt of you both.

Ha' you together cozen'd all this while,

And all the world, and shall it now be said,

You've made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves?

[To FACE.] You will accuse him! You will “bring him in

Within the statute!” Who shall take your word?

A whoreson, upstart, apocryphal captain,

Whom not a Puritan in Blackfriars will trust

So much as for a feather: and you, too, [to SUBTLE.]

Will give the cause, forsooth! You will insult,

And claim a primacy in the divisions!

You must be chief! As if you only had

The powder to project〖Transmute metals.〗 with, and the work

Were not begun out of equality!

The venture tripartite! All things in common!

Without priority! 'Sdeath! you perpetual curs,

Fall to your couples again, and cozen kindly,

And heartily, and lovingly, as you should,

And lose not the beginning of a term,

Or, by this hand, I shall grow factious too,

And take my part, and quit you.

Face. 'Tis his fault;

He ever murmurs, and objects his pains,

And says, the weight of all lies upon him.

Sub. Why, so it does.

Dol. How does it? Do not we

Sustain our parts?

Sub. Yes, but they are not equal.

Dol. Why, if your part exceed today, I hope

Ours may to-morrow match it.

Sub. Ay, they may.

Dol. May, murmuring mastiff! Ay, and do. Death on me!

Help me to throttle him. [Seizes SUB. by the throat.]

Sub. Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy!

'Ods precious, I'll do anything. What do you mean?

Dol. Because o' your fermentation and cibation?〖Alchemical terms.〗

Sub. Not I, by heaven——

Dol. Your Sol and Luna——help me.

[To FACE.]

Sub. Would I were hang'd then! I'll conform myself.

Dol. Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly: swear.

Sub. What should I swear?

Dol. To leave your faction, sir,

And labour kindly in the common work.

Sub. Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside.

I only us'd those speeches as a spur

To him.

Dol. I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?

Face. 'Slid, prove today who shall shark best.

Sub. Agreed.

Dol. Yes, and work close and friendly.

Sub. 'Slight, the knot

Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.

[They shake hands.]

Dol. Why, so, my good baboons! Shall we go make

A sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours,

That scarce have smil'd twice sin' the king came in,〖Seven years before.〗

A feast of laughter at our follies? Rascals,

Would run themselves from breath, to see me ride,

Or you t'have but a hole to thrust your heads in,〖In the pillory.〗

For which you should pay ear-rent?〖Have your ears cut off.〗 No, agree.

And may Don Provost ride a feasting long,

In his old velvet jerkin and stain'd scarfs,

My noble sovereign, and worthy general,

Ere we contribute a new crewel〖Familiar puns.〗 garter

To his most worsted〖Familiar puns.〗 worship.

Sub. Royal Dol!

Spoken like Claridiana,〖The heroine of the “Mirror of Knighthood.”〗 and thyself.

Face. For which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph,

And not be styl'd Dol Common, but Dol Proper,

Dol Singular: the longest cut at night,

Shall draw thee for his Dol Particular. [Bell rings without.]

Sub. Who's that? One rings. To the window, Dol: [Exit DOL.]—pray heav'n,

The master do not trouble us this quarter.

Face. O, fear not him. While there dies one a week

O' the plague, he's safe from thinking toward London.

Beside, he's busy at his hop-yards now;

I had a letter from him. If he do,

He'll send such word, for airing o' the house,

As you shall have sufficient time to quit it:

Though we break up a fortnight, 'tis no matter.

Re-enter DOL

Sub. Who is it, Dol?

Dol. A fine young quodling.〖Green apple, a youth.〗


My lawyer's clerk, I lighted on last night,

In Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have

(I told you of him) a familiar,

To rifle with at horses, and win cups.

Dol. O, let him in.

Sub. Stay. Who shall do't?

Face. Get you

Your robes on; I will meet him, as going out.

Dol. And what shall I do?

Face. Not be seen; away! [Exit DOL.]

Seem you very reserv'd.

Sub. Enough. [Exit.]

Face. [aloud and retiring.] God be wi' you, sir,

I pray you let him know that I was here:

His name is Dapper. I would gladly have staid, but——

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